Home Transcripts Snappies Fan Creations M & M Press Links July 18, 2003: Tad sets Liza up with Alfred Vanderpoole. [At Stuart's gallery.] Liza: [Rushes inside.] Where is he? Where's my mother? Tad: Where's who, and why would I invite Marian? Liza: Because when you called, it sounded like there was an emergency, like Stuart was, like, pinned under a marble pedestal or something. Tad: Relax. Liza: What are you doing? Tad: I just wanted to know if you'd had any luck, you know, "bet-wise." I was wondering if you had the man of your dreams out there hanging on a meat hook someplace. Liza: I haven't even started thinking about that. Why? Tad: You don't have to. I'm forfeiting the bet. You win. [He hands her a champagne glass.] Liza: What is this? Tad: [He pours wine into Liza's glass, then some into his.] This is me admitting that when it comes to you being with the man you deserve, the life you deserve to live is far more important than a childish little wager. Liza: What are you trying to say? Tad: I am saying the right man for you is right under your nose. Liza: He is? Tad: And you've known him for years. Liza: I have? Tad: Mm-hmm. Ever since we were in high school together, and no matter what's happened throughout all the years, he never stopped caring about you. Liza: Are you sure about this? Really sure? Tad: Absolutely. 100%. It's not too late for you to find out what life would have been like if you'd said yes to him, and if he had been courageous enough to sign on for a fantastic woman like you. [Liza smiles.] Liza: I -- I didn't know you felt like this. I mean, this is a complete 180 for you. Tad: From what? Liza: Well, I didn't think that you were interested. Tad: I'm not. I'm not talking about me. Liza: Well, what is this? What is -- what is this? The mood lighting and privacy and champagne? Tad: I just thought that I would, you know, give romance a little shove, try to bring you out of it. After all, I’m not the only man from your past. You weren't exactly Sweet Polly Purebred, you know. Liza: You know, honestly, I can attract my own men, thank you very much. Tad: I'm not so sure. Maybe not this guy because, you know, you guys haven't really connected in the last few years. Maybe a couple of chance encounters, you know, you turn one way, he turns the other way. See each other -- Liza: You know what? All the guys I knew in high school were losers. Tad: Thank you. Liza: Except Greg. Oh, tell me you didn't call Greg Nelson. Tad: Come on, lighten up. I am doing this for you. Liza: You said somebody was here. Tad: Somebody is here. Now let's just see if you can recognize his voice. Liza: No, no. Tad: Recognize his voice! Man: Ahem. We were in Mrs. Butrell's class together, sophomore year, third period. Liza: Who? Tad: You got to guess. Liza: No, no, who is Mrs. Butrell? Man: She was our Geometry teacher. Liza, how could you forget her? Tad, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Tad: No, no, no. Pray go on, oh Chef of the Future. Man: Ahem. Right. Okay, well, one day in class, Mrs. B. asked for the definition of a triangle [Liza stands up and glares at Tad] and she calls upon Liza. Liza replies, "a triangle is when a girl has two guys making moves on her." Liza: [To Tad.] You are so dead. Man: That's not the case now, is it? Tad tells me you're unattached. Tad: Been a while, huh, kids? [Liza turns to look at Alfred.] Alfred: Too long. Nice to see you, Liza. [He shakes her hand.] Liza: Yes, we have Tad to thank. However did you manage this? Tad: Well, it's a funny thing. I ran into Albert -- Alfred here a couple of days ago. Alfred: Yes, at the bank. You see, I handle Stuart’s gallery's account. Liza: At the bank? Alfred: At the bank, yes. Tad: Yeah, but you know what? Life is so much more than money or accounts, isn't it? And when I told him about how you were divorced from Adam -- Liza: Wait, I'm sorry. Did this come up in casual conversation? Alfred: No, I asked, and when Tad confided that you've been so lonely and depressed, lost in a loveless existence -- Liza: Oh. [She turns to Tad and pinches his cheek - hard.] Well, I can't thank you enough for being so charming. [She turns back to Alfred, but digs the heel of her shoe into Tad's foot.] Alfred: Well, my heart went out to you, Liza, and then, of course, when Tad told me -- [Glass breaks.] Alfred: Oh -- Tad: I'm fine. Go ahead, please. Alfred: Well, Tad told me what you said about me, and I was very -- Liza: Oh, really? What did he say? Please tell me exactly. Alfred: I believe his exact words were that you regarded me as a ship that had sailed. Liza: Oh. Not far enough. I mean, you've always been fairly close by. Alfred: Well, fortunately, yes. Well, I'm the answer to your dreams. You have wished for me to reappear, and here I am -- ready, willing, and able to offer financial advice and wooing. Tad: [To Liza.] Woo-woo. Alfred: Liza, I've been hoping for this opportunity to expose myself [Liza cringes] to have you see the man that I am now,standing tall and proud of my lot in life. Oh. Oh. [He kneels to look for his contact on the floor.] Liza: Alfred? Tad: God, this is touching. This is just -- you know what this is? It's a reunion of two high school sweethearts. Liza: No, you know, Alfred and I were never that. Alfred: No, no, no. She was always too distracted by your risqué shenanigans. Tad: Yeah, well, those days are over. Liza: Oh, they sure are. [She screams] No! Alfred: I'm sorry, Liza. My contact -- my contact lens. It was right by your foot. Tad: You know, Alfred, they got soft ones now. They don't pop out of your eye. Alfred: They have soft ones? Liza: Why didn't you just wear your glasses, Alfred? Alfred: Liza, you know what they say about guys who wear glasses. Tad: No, no, but, listen, why don't you tell her all about it over dinner. Alfred: Right. [Tad is mouthing the words to him.] Liza, I don't know about you, but I'm into a meaty rack with -- a nice, meaty rack dripping with barbecue sauce. Liza: Excuse me? Alfred: Tickle My Ribs -- it's the new restaurant on Sycamore Street. They have all you can eat and free salad and those curly cheese fries, and it's all -- well, you don't have to worry about the price. I will pick up the check. [Tad gives him two thumbs up.] Liza: Well, Alfred, that sounds tempting, but -- Alfred: And I brought you something. [He hands her a checkbook.] Liza: Really, you shouldn't have. Alfred: That's pleather, by the way, for easy cleaning. Just soap and water, no astringent. Tad: [He pokes Liza's arm.] Hmm? Hmm? Liza: And checks. Alfred: Mm-hmm. Well, as Vice President of Pine Valley Savings And Trust, I can offer you free checking. Fill out a form, start using one of those. Liza: Teddies on them? Alfred: Well, back at school, you always -- you were crazy about teddies. Liza: Teddies, right. Tad: Yeah, you used to look so good in them. Liza: You really shouldn't have, Alfred. Really. Alfred: That's just a preview, Liza. There are bigger and better things to come. All you have to do is give me a whirl. Tad: A whirl? You. Don't be so bashful. You deserve the whole loop-de-loop. Know what I'm talking about, huh? Don't you think so, Liza? Whoo, I can sense the karma. There's vibes here. This is great. Liza: [She jumps on Tad and starts hitting him.] Die! Die, you sucker! Liza: You better play along, or you're going to die. Alfred: Liza, no! Don't hurt him! [Liza screams.] Alfred: Let me call for backup. I'll call 911 -- Liza: [She gets down.] Oh, did I -- did -- oh, did this happen? Oh, you know, I thought I'd beaten this. Tad: No, just me. Liza: I'm so embarrassed that you saw one of my episodes. Alfred: Just let me get my cell phone. Liza: No, you know, I -- I have these episodes, and I have to be honest with you, Alfred, this isn't the first time that I've snapped and attacked Tad. Alfred: You never mentioned violence. Tad: Oh, I thought she was over it, you know, that she was starting fresh. Liza: You know what? I think it might have just been unwise for me to have champagne with my meds. Alfred: You're on medication? Liza: Yes, they determined that I cannot control my aggressive impulses. Alfred: Just toward Tad? Liza: No, towards all men that play an important role in my life. Tad: Oh, Adam was lucky he got out of that marriage with his life. Liza: I sort of feel like maybe one of these impulses is coming to the surface again. Maybe I can control it. [She turns to Tad and Alfred picks up his phone and slowly heads towards the door.] Maybe I should just up my meds. Alfred: No, no, no, Liza, you can't do that by yourself. I mean, what are you, crazy? Liza: Alfred, you know what? I'll just double the dose. We'll drop into an all-night drugstore before we hit Tickle My Ribs. Alfred: I must withdraw my invitation. Forgive me, Liza. I forgot, I have some matters to attend to of a business nature. Liza: Well, I'll see you tomorrow morning when I come to open my account. Alfred: Oh, Liza, I'm sorry, it completely slipped my mind. We're not taking on any new accounts at the moment. I'm sorry. Liza: Well, what about my teddies? Alfred: Oh, well, look, it's just that we just have too many teddies -- business to handle at the moment. We have all the money we can deal with, and I'll tell you what -- you can have the case. Liza: Oh. Alfred: And please, enjoy it in good mental health. [He glares at Tad, who is trying not to laugh. He leaves.] Tad: And for that, this man got contacts. Liza: You know, there's a special wing in Hell with your name on it. You know that, don't you? Tad: You just tore that man's romantic dreams into tatters, and you speak to me of hell? Oh, Liza Colby, you should be ashamed. You should be embarrassed. [He walks out.] Liza: [Follows him out.] Oh, you haven't begun to see the shame. You should see the lovelies I'm going to pull out of the gutter who have been victimized by Tad the Cad. They'd love to have a shot at you! [She throws the checkbook at him.]