Home Transcripts Snappies Fan Creations M & M Press Links July 22, 2003: Tad dreams of Liza, but finds Marian in his bed. [In Tad's bedroom. Tad is asleep, with a smile on his face.] Liza: Tad -- Tad: Hmm -- Liza: You rock my world. Tad: Well, I don't want to brag, but it helps when you're familiar with the geography. Liza: Oh, what do you say we go around the world again? Only this time -- [She whispers into his ear. They kiss.] Marian: [She caresses his face.] Oh, Tad -- Tad: Huh -- Marian: Wake up. Tad: I thought I was dreaming. [He grins, slowly opening his eyes, then bolts up when he sees Marian.] Whoa! Marian: Hello, darling. Muah. Tad: Marian, what are you doing in my bed? Marian: Well, I mean, isn't it obvious? I want you, Tad. [She runs a finger down his body.] I want all of you. [She climbs on top of him and growls.] [Tad jumps out of bed and turns on the light.] Marian: Darling, you don't have to be shy with me. Come on, lie down. Tad: Oh, come on, wake up. [He slaps and pinches himself.] Wake up. You can do it. Marian: This isn't a dream, Tad. Tad: Oh, the Hell it isn’t. This is payback for a double-stuffed, fully loaded meat lovers' special. Marian: I'm really here, ready and waiting -- Tad: Oh, my God. Marian: To fulfill your every desire, and a few of my own, as well. Come on back to bed, you bad boy, you, and let's catch up on lost time. Tad: I'm being tortured by my id. All right, listen, get a grip. All right, listen, wake up, wake up. Okay, listen to me. [He talks to his image in the mirror.] Okay, whatever I did, I take it back. Whatever I said, whoever I said it to, I didn't mean it, all right? [He closes his eyes.] I'll be a good boy. I promise, I’ll be a really good boy. Just, whatever you do, make this nightmare stop. [He turns to look at his bed, and is relieved to see it empty. Marian comes up behind him and grabs him.] Marian: You don't really want me to go, do you, darling? Don't you remember the good old bad old days? [Tad frees himself.] Oh, please, the first time I saw you, the shampoo boy at the Glamorama, oh, my God, you had a body like a mortal sin, and I just loved the way your sensuous, strong fingers massaged my scalp, bringing me to new heights of ecstasy. Those memories are simply burned into my soul, Tad. [She reaches for Tad, but he ducks out of her reach.] Tad: Wait, listen. Okay, what about Stuart? Marian: Who? Tad: Your husband. You know, the guy at home waiting for you in bed. Marian: What Stuart doesn't know won't hurt him, darling. Tad: No, no, no, listen, how could you -- how could you live with yourself, knowing you betrayed the most sensitive, the most decent, the most trusting man in the whole world? Marian: Easily -- I have to have you, Tad, and I have to have you now. I want to feel your arms around me, crushing me to your body so I can hardly breathe, so that nothing, no one exists except our pleasure. [Marian crushes his face into her bosom. Tad tries to get away, but Marian jumps on his back.] No, don't go, darling. Relax. Relax, Tad, just relax. Just relax, darling. [He gets her off him.] Don't you remember what we were like together, you and me, on those steamy, hot summer afternoons? Tad: Oh, God, make it stop! Please, please, make it stop! Tad: Marian, would you just get a grip on it long enough to think about Liza, okay? Marian: About Liza? Tad: Yeah, you know, 5'8", blonde, about 120. Marian: Why bring Liza into this, darling? Tad: Because, you know, once upon a triangle, you and I screwed things up but good. Marian: Darling, that was ages ago. Tad: Don't tell me you have forgotten the look on your daughter's face when she caught us in bed. It nearly killed her. It's a miracle she forgave either one of us. Marian: Tad, listen, why are you bringing up Liza and her feelings right now? Why are you concerned about her? Tad: Because she's about the best friend I've got, that's why. Marian: Oh? Is that all she is to you? Tad: That's enough. You know, as a matter of fact... [He realizes he's being set-up]... it's a Hell of a lot. Marian: Yeah, but it's not the same as love, is it, darling? Tad: No. No. It's not the fire down below that I feel, you know, when you and I are skin to skin, but, hey, what can you do, you know? Marian: What? Tad: Oh, come on, don't tell me you've forgotten, Marian. I haven’t. The way I used to run my hands through your hair and work us both to a nice, thick, rich lather. Marian: Oh, Stuart might be waking up. He might need me and -- Tad: The Hell with Stuart. Forget about Liza. You're right. [He grabs her and lays her down on his bed, hovering over her.] It's just you and me and this nice, big, fat bed. What do you say we take the box spring out for a test drive? Marian: Oh, Tad, please! Tad: Oh, no, no, Marian, don't beg. Please, let me. Please, please. It's time for your next appointment, Mrs. Colby. What do you say to a nice long shampoo, rinse, and repeat? Marian: Oh! Liza: Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick. Tad: [To Marian.] Hold that thought. [He walks to the bathroom and swings the door open.] Aha! You twisted little weasel. Never knew you were the type who liked to watch. Tad: You are so busted. Liza: Hi, Tad. Mother, nice peignoir. Tad: Yeah, you should know, you picked it out. Liza: Me? Tad: Don't you even try to deny it. Marian: I had you going there for quite a while, didn't I, darling? You turned the color of ripe Camembert, Tad. [She grins.] Tad: Please. Liza: Oh, come on, you have to admit, we had you going for a while. Marian: And shame on you, turning that little prank back on me. Tad: You loved it. Marian: I did no such thing. Tad: Oh, you still got the hots for your little shampoo boy. Liza: Oh, would you please? Don't even go there. Tad: You started it. Marian: And I'm going to finish it, okay, darlings? I am going home to Stuart. Tad: What are you going to do to explain the outfit? Marian: I'm going to change in the back seat. Tad: Wouldn't be the first time. Marian: You should know. Listen, Liza, I want Stuart never to find out about this, ever. Liza: Okay, mother, it's just between me and you and [signals towards Tad] you know. Marian: Okay, I hope you can be discreet for this one time, Tad? Tad: Like you read about. Marian: Bye-bye. [To Liza.] Mission accomplished, darling. Oh, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. [Marian leaves. Liza closes the door and turns back to Tad, grinning.] Liza: Gotcha. Tad: Shut up! Liza: Oh, come on! Tad: I know what this is. Liza: I got you. You have to admit it. Tad: No, this is payback for me nailing you with Alfred Vanderpoole. Liza: Alfred Vanderpoole, the nerdy banker of my dreams. Tad: Yeah, okay, I admit, it was a low blow. Liza: The lowest of low. Tad: But our bet stipulated that we would find one another -- Liza: No, no, our bet stipulated we would find the perfect person. This excluded high school nerdy rejects. Tad: What about oversexed real estate mavens? What is that? Liza: Okay, fine, we're even. I actually think I’m a little bit more even than you are because the look on your face when my mother climbed into bed next to you -- [Laughs.] Tad: It's not funny. Liza: Yes, it is. Tad: My life flashed before my eyes, and you don't want to know what I was seeing. Liza: Oh, I wish I could have had a camera because your expression was priceless. Tad: Well, it was pretty similar to the one you had on your face when Alfred handed you your little teddy bear checks. Liza: Unlimited checking and the all-you-can-eat buffet. Tad: Hey, sounds like a dream date to me. [They sit at the edge of his bed.] Liza: Oh. I do think that you won. Tad: Oh, shut up. Liza: The three-point dismount off the bed -- [Laughs.] Tad: I know, I know. What about you, pretending to go to postal just so Alfred would think you're some kind of nut bag? Liza: Well, I got to tell you, that's what happens when I forget my meds. I go into a minor chemical breakdown. Tad: Oh. Poor Marian. [Lies down.] Liza: Poor Alfred. [Lies down next to him.] Tad: Poor us. [Liza laughs and Tad smiles. They turn to look at each other.] Tad: Liza? Liza: Hmm? Tad: If I tell you something, I want you to believe me. Liza: [Laughs.] Okay. Tad: I'm serious. I really hope you find the man of your dreams. Liza: [She sits up.] And what kind of guy would that be? Tad: Somebody smart enough to get you on the first try. Liza: [Joking.] I am not that kind of girl. Tad: Stop. You know what I mean. I hope it's somebody that is going to appreciate your intelligence, your courage, your independence, you know. Somebody who's willing to meet you on your own terms. Liza: And those terms are -- Tad: [He sits up.] Never let them see you cry. Laugh when you can, and always be prepared to compromise, no matter how stupid, stubborn, or pigheaded you get because you're worth the godforsaken aggravation, and if he doesn't get that, then the Hell with him. You know, to Hell with all of them. Whoever he is has got to see what a truly loving person you are. [Liza smiles.] Liza: You know what you deserve? Tad: Yeah, a spanking from a Swedish flight attendant. Liza: Oh, stop it. You deserve the best. Really, a woman who's going to suffer through your insufferable jokes and your ego and at the end of the day love you just the way you are. Tad: And how's that? Liza: Well, I mean, you aren't perfect, I hate to tell you that, but you do try to do what's right, and that's honorable. And, you know, one day she's going to come into your life, you're going to know that she's the one, because it'll be like someone coming back into your life, like an old friend coming home. Tad: Where's this old friend going to come from? [The look at each other. Liza smiles and stands up, heading towards the door.] Tad: What gives? Liza: Oh... [She turns back to him.] You know, Tad, I don't know when or where you're going to find your soul mate, but I know you will. I know you will. I have -- I believe with all my heart that you will. [Liza smiles at him and leaves. Tad lies down and smiles, lost in thought.]