 Transcripts Snappies Fan Creations M & M Press LinksMarch 3, 2003: Tad and Liza argue about Jake and Mia. Liza: I thought that this would be the last place you'd want to be. Mia: Yeah, and you thought I'd be desperate to play the maiden aunt just because my fiance walked out on me, right? Liza: No, Mia. Mia: Fine. Thank you very much, but I'm not running away, okay? This is my home. I think I'll keep it. [Knock on door.] Mia: I'll just rip Jake's name off the mailbox. [She opens the door.] Tad: Hi. I just came to see how you're doing. [Mia slams the door in his face.] [Liza opens the door.] Tad: Is it safe to come in? [He goes in. Mia walks over and throws Jake's clothes at him.] Oh. Liza: Mia -- Mia! Mia: If Jake ever comes back, he stays with you. Tad: Look, I understand. You got every right to be furious. Mia: Oh, thanks. Thanks a heap. Now, take your brother's stuff and get out! Liza: Mia, Tad didn't do anything. Mia: Oh, right. That's right, that's right. He just stood by and watched while his brother cheated on me. You probably congratulated him on being a chip off the Tad-the-Cad block and then advised him on the finer points of womanizing! Tad: You're wrong -- Mia: Oh. Tad: About almost everything. Mia: You see? I told you. Tad: I told Jake that Alison was nothing but trouble. Mia: Oh, really? Really? Was that before or after you told him to keep his affair a secret? Tad: Guilty as charged. I just didn't think that one stupid mistake should destroy everything that you and Jake had. Mia: We had nothing! Tad: How can you say that? Mia, he adored you. Mia: Oh -- Tad: He wanted to have a life with you. Mia: I see. That's why he slept with Alison. Okay. Tad: [Turns to Liza] Feel free to jump in any time you want. [Liza just looks at him.] Well, you're not going to stand there and let your sister think that Jake didn't love her? Liza: So you knew? Mia: Of course Tad knew Jake cheated on me. Martin men get off on deception. Tad: No, we don't. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you? Mia: Yeah, yeah. Explain to me why Jake seduced this woman and then just completely ditched me. Tad: Actually, sh-- Alison seduced him. [Liza and Mia stare at him.] That's no excuse. Liza: Good save! Mia: Look, you still haven't answered my question. Tad: Okay. Fair enough. After talking to Jake, I'd say that things started to go south when you went to work for Fusion. Mia: What? Oh, please. Please! Jake worked way more hours than I ever did! Tad: It's not supposed to be a competition. Mia: Why did he [her voice breaks] why did he leave? Tad: I don't know. I have no idea why my brother left. The only person that does is Jake. For what it's worth, I am very, very sorry that he didn't have the courage to tell you. [Mia walks to a table and picks up and empty trashbag box. She throws it on the floor angrily.] Mia: We need more trash bags. Liza: You want me to come with you? Mia: No, no, no. No, no. I'd like to get used to being on my own. [She leaves.] Tad: Well, that went really well, don't you think? I'd call my mission of mercy an absolute success. Liza: I'd call you a two-faced liar. Tad: A two -- wait just a second. Before you start in on me, I want you to know something. I did everything I could -- Liza: I'm not talking about what you did to my sister. I'm talking about what you did to me! Liza: You're supposed to be my best friend. You couldn't tell me that your brother was cheating on my sister? Tad: No. You had enough to deal with. Liza: Oh -- oh, I see. So if a woman is busy, that's reason enough to keep her in the dark -- or cheat on her. Was that what Jake was thinking? Tad: No. I'm assuming Jake was thinking he ought to be more important to Mia than just another notation in her date book. Liza: Doesn't Jake understand that Mia had this wonderful opportunity to find herself, this great job? Tad: So she gets to be selfish? Liza: I think that -- that Jake could understand that Mia was trying to make him proud of her. Tad: By brushing up against some lipstick tycoon? I was there, I saw what happened, and I wouldn't exactly call it marriage friendly. Liza: Oh, I see, and you've never flirted with a professional contact? Tad: No, not like that. I don't have the equipment. The fact is she ignored her fiance all night long. Liza: Right, and that gave him the excuse to do what he did with his employee in the closet? Tad: Well, you got me there. I think that Jake had -- Liza: What? Needs? Tad: [Pauses.] I wasn't going to say that. Liza: Yes, you were. Tad: No, no. Liza: You were! You were thinking it. Don't deny it. You are such a man! Tad: Oh, come on. This is the part where you're going to nail me, incriminate me just because, you know, the species happens to be hard-wired to ensure biodiversity? Please. Liza: Oh, come on. Adultery isn't caused by biology. It's caused by men. Tad: Oh, don't even think about handing me that argument! Liza: Men who want to run away from their problems by grabbing any woman they can find and dragging her to bed! Tad: Whom do you think you are talking to? I know of a woman who's turned escaping through sex into an art form. And I'm looking at her. Tad: I'm not going to lounge here and listen to you tear up the entire male sex for screwing around when you personally have done more for women's liberation in that area than any other human being I know. Liza: Fine. Men and women are both equally capable of cheating. Tad: Damn right. So I guess nobody can keep their skivvies on. Liza: There are different reasons for why they take them off. Tad: What? Liza: It's one thing if you need comfort. Tad: Oh, and it's another thing if you need passion, excitement, a little attention? Liza: Everybody has their reasons, Tad. Adam had his. I had mine. Tad: And Jake had his. Liza: Yeah, and why couldn't he be honest with her? Why did he run away? Tad: Liza, I had no idea that Jake was going to take off. And you're right. He shouldn't have. He should have tried to work things out. I even told him that, you know, the affair might be helpful for his relationship. Liza: What? Tad: Yeah, you know, a little perspective. Liza: Oh, my gosh! I can't wait to tell my marriage counselor this. You know, you really need to see somebody. Tad: Why? Liza: Because you think that sexual attraction is some sort of involuntary response. Tad: Absolutely. I'd say it's a pretty short hop from there to our basic primal instincts. Liza: It is so self-indulgent and so adolescent. Tad: Just out of curiosity, is this entire conversation kind of, you know, a veiled innuendo in terms of what happened between you and me? [He wiggles his eyebrows at her.] Liza: You are an egomaniac. Why would I bring up our sordid past? Tad: I don't know. Why did you? Liza: You wish. Liza: How did a discussion about Mia and Jake become about you and me? Tad: Because what happened between you and me happens to be the subtext of everything we ever say to one another. Liza: Get over yourself. Tad: I will if you will. Liza: I got over you when I was a teenager. Tad: I seem to remember differently. Liza: I finally grew up. Why don't you give it a try? Tad: Whoo! Meaning what? Liza: Meaning that every time I have an encounter with the opposite sex, I don't hope that there's going to be a trail of clothes on the floor. Tad: Look, whether you like it or not, you can't always control sexual attraction. Liza: That is the lamest excuse. Tad: No. It's the truth. Liza: Does rationalizing make it the truth? Tad: Does denial negate it? Liza: I try to get through my life being a decent, responsible adult. Tad: Fine. You knock yourself out. I'll stick with being base and honest. Liza: You're a lech. Tad: You are a phony. Liza: Tramp. Tad: You bet your ass. [He grabs her and pulls her into a kiss.] |