 Transcripts Snappies Fan Creations M & M Press LinksNovember 6, 2003: Tad and Liza talk about Jamie... and cows. Tad: Oh, right on time. Liza: You rang? [She comes in.] Tad: Yeah, I need your brain. Liza: Can't have my brain without the body. Tad: That's a heck of a twofer. [Colby rushes inside before he closes the door.] What is that? [Colby twirls.] Didn't I see you on television with Madonna? Liza: [She thwaps him on the arm.] Don't encourage her. Colby, why don't you go upstairs and watch TV in Jamie's room. Colby: Cool. Is Dynasty on? Tad: Somewhere in the world, undoubtedly. Liza: Come on, let's go. And take the headset off, please. [Colby leaves. Liza sighs.] Tad: Dare I ask? Liza: Oh, thank Babe. [She takes off her coat and sits with Tad on the couch.] She's dressing her in her image. Tad: Yeah, well, don't look now but I think Ellie Mae got a little too close to the face paint. Liza: No, honestly, Colby has lost all sense of modesty and self-respect because of this woman. Tad: Well, thanks to Babe my son may have lost a whole lot more than that. Liza: What? Wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about Jamie and--? Tad: Quite possibly. Probably, even. Liza: What makes you say that? Tad: [Pauses] It all started with a cow... Tad: [He hands Liza a drink.] Here you go. Liza: Thank you. Jamie and Babe and a cow -- I'm sorry, but I just don't make the connection. Tad: No, the cow's what brought them together. Liza: Hmm. Matchmaking cow. I think you're spending a little bit too much time with Simone. Tad: Just bear with me, okay? Liza: Okay, I'm really confused now. Is this about a bear? Tad: Just shut up and listen. Liza: Okay. I'm listening. I'm udder-ly fascinated. [She grins.] Tad: [Pretends to be amused] That's good. Udderly -- see what you did there? That's really good. Okay, fine. It all started the night before JR sprung his new bride on the Clan McChandler, all right? Jamie went to this party, this beach party, pulled an all-nighter, and when he got home the next morning it was obvious he'd met a girl. Liza: Cute little heifer, I bet. Tad: Yeah. Anyway, flash-forward to the next night. Babe is the guest of honor at JR's little dinner party. Liza: Mm-hmm. Tad: Both Brooke and I couldn't help but notice that Jame was very, very bummed and he's been that way ever since. Liza: Maybe he had a slight case of mad cow. Tad: Okay. The next morning, after the Babe bombshell has been dropped, this guy shows up at Brooke's house, right, claiming that Jamie and some cute little blonde had stolen the plastic cow off the sign of his restaurant. Liza: Plastic cow thieving. What's the penalty for that these days? Tad: I have no idea. However, I have been to Adam's twice and seen this painting of a cow that Stuart wants to give to Babe. Apparently she loves and them and she collects them. Liza: Bovinophilia is really big these days. Tad: Well, here's the kicker. Since the cow caper, Brooke came across this bracelete with a, with a cow charm on it that Jame was trying to throw away. Liza: All right, so what you're saying is that all the cow clues are connected, and somehow if we just follow the hoofprints-- Tad: We're going to find out that Jamie slept with his brother's wife. Liza: I don't know, Tad. Maybe you're on to something. Tad: I'm not the only one. Adam's closing in on Jamie and Babe, too. And he's using Mary Smythe to do it. Tad: Liza, I'm not imagining things. Adam and Mary are double-teaming to bring Babe down. Liza: And Jamie is collateral damage? Tad: Not yet. I'll grind those two into powder before they start messing with my son. Liza: Okay, do you really think that Jamie and Babe... Tad: No, do I -- do I believe that he would intentionally sleep with his brother's wife? Do I want to believe it? No. Of course not. Liza: They're newlyweds -- Babe is a newlywed. I mean, she looked simply besotted with JR when they were at the pary. Tad: Yeah, I know, but they've been together for, what, like three -- count them -- three weeks? What is that, the cotton swab anniversary? Liza: Jamie loves his brother, and Jamie's not going to do anything to hurt him. Tad: So what do you make of the connections? Liza: I think maybe it just might be a case of parental paranoia. Tad: You think I'm jumping to conclusions? Liza: I think it might just be a big cow-incidence. [Tad looks at Liza for a moment, then jumps on her. Liza laughs.] Liza: [Putting on her coat] Listen, if you called me over here for some advice, this is it. Jamie and Babe -- you shouldn't think of them as anything more than in-laws. Tad: Hmm. And I accussed Brooke of being an overly protective parent. Liza: Maybe you just need to get your act together. Tad: My act is just fine, thank you very much. Liza: I don't know about that. I think you may be in need of a few new jokes. Tad: Excuse me? Liza: Okay, what about this one -- how do cows do math? Tad: No! No more cow humor. Liza: How do cows do math? Tad: I don't know. How do cows do math? Liza: They use a cow-culator. Tad: It's just painful. It's not even funny. Liza: Colby's got a million of them. Just try one. Tad: Yeah, like I got an arsenal-- Liza: Make one up. Tad: [Thinks for a minute] What do cows do on Saturday afternoons? Liza: I don't know, what? Tad: They go to the moo-vie. [They laugh.] You see what I did? You see that? You see that? Liza: That was good. Tad: Expectation-- Liza: I liked it. [Simone comes in, but they don't see her.] Tad: Kind of like build you up, and you go right in there. Simone: I'm sorry to break up this laugh fest. Tad: Hey, Simone. Simone: I'm sorry, Liza. Tad, I really need to talk to you, privately. Liza: Selling Thin Mints? [She turns.] Colby, we got to go! Come on, sweetie! [She turns back to Tad.] Tad: Thanks for coming by. Liza: Yeah, just don't cow-tow to any sneaking suspicions. [She smiles.] Tad: [Laughs] That's good. You see, build them up, and sneak it in there... Liza: Yeah. [Simone is watching them, jealous.] Tad: Bovine humor. Liza: You could write a book on this. [Colby comes down.] Come on, baby. Colby: Can we stop at the mall and get a tattoo? [Tad laughs.] Liza: Yeah, you know what? As soon as your father gets a pierced ear we'll get you a tattoo, how does that sound? Or maybe a nose ring. A ring through the nose, like Uncle Tad. [Liza and Colby leave.] |